Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
