So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
