And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
