I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
