meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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