i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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