so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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