chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
