My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
