Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
