Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
3 2 1 whiskey
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
