so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
