If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize