someone get that fucking seahorse.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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