that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
As shirtless as possible
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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