sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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