there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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