if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
