My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
