If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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