I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
