I think my fart just growled at me.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
