I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
