My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
