Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
