No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
