It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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