Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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