I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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