I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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