I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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