My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize