you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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