I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
