What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am one with the molecules
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
