I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
