Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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