hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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