the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize