hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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