what day is it and did you see me today?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
