my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
