Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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