Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
