I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
