I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
