I wish my penis had an off switch
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The best revenge is premature balding
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize