By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
