I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
