How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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