Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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