I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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