Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
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