i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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