I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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