I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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