connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
