I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
