We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You did what with his pubic hair?
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