Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
