I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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