morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
