I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
