I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
